Badges? We Don’t Need No Stinkin’ Badges!

Some advertisements for automotive accessories invite you to imagine the back story—in fact, they demand it. The latest I’ve seen involves adornments for BMW badges; I think they must appeal to a predictable demographic. I can hear it now: “After the prostate operation, I was kind of outta the dating scene, if you know what I mean. So I traded speed for sex (to go with drugs and rock ’n’ roll?). I sold my gold chains and my very rare ’78 Corvette Indy Pace Car Replica with only 7,500 miles on it—one of 6,502, and they ALL have no miles, but never mind.

“My son Shane’s into drifting and autocross with his 240SX, but I wanted something with a bit more class, so I bought a red 2003 BMW M3. He helped me get some wild JDM bodywork, including a double wing—looks like an eagle landing—and I got a windshield decal that reads “Slower Traffic Move Right” and some bitchin’ gold-plated Enkei dubs and some super-sticky tires.

“But the BMW roundel just didn’t cut it. I mean, it was blue-and-white, for God’s sake. I thought about taking it off, but why buy a BMW if nobody recognizes it?

“Then I found this great catalog, which sold decals to match my roundels with the color of my car. I bet nobody else has a red-and-white BMW roundel! Final touch? A crystal halo—no kidding. Swarovski crystals, too. And the halo fits around the hood and the trunk badges. Look out for me, you’ll recognize my air horns; they play ‘Dixie.’  Hey, you can’t miss me! Cool, huh?”

There’s a great scene in The Social Network where Armie Hammer (as both East Coast blue-blood twins Tyler and Cameron Winklevoss) argues with his brother that they can’t sue  Mark Zuckerberg for pinching their idea for Facebook because “Harvard men don’t do that.”  The other brother comes around, of course, but the idea that there’s a code of conduct—of manners, of class, of taste—is appealing.

Unless you are a pole dancer—working your way through school, of course—it’s hard to imagine a situation in which a crystal halo would be appropriate on a BMW badge. But I guess it would reflect the parking-lot floodlights nicely outside the Boom-Boom Room, and leave an interesting mark on your bottom.—Paul Duchene